new and final clip up, check it out. so the new site is up. there's not a whole lot on there, but more will come. i'm going to keep it simple, and space saving, for me at least.

i'm kind of late updating this today, i could have done it early this morning when my roommates woke me up in the wee hours of the morning. and i mean wee hours, i had to get up and pee.

anyway, it's the 30th, and i got this up. now that the site is finished and released, i don't know what i'll use this for.

this is no relevance to the new site, but i thought it was very amusing. the homepage set on the computers at work is msn.com. i'll look over the headlines and read all the top stories they give links to. here's one of them court over turns texas sodomy law. when i scrolled down a little i saw an ad for beliefnet or something like that, advertising "the jesus debates" heh, the irony.

no issues with the new teaser.

site should be up on the 30th as planned.

there's a new teaser up.

now i'm getting pissed at all the third party b.s. on the internet. why can't there be one universal media medium on the internet? and if there's going to be thousands and thousands on media players out there, why can't they all work the same?

i can understand some reasons for multiple medias. like wavs, mp3s, oggs. and i can understand reasons for windows media, realplayer, quicktime. but it pisses me off when i try and put something up online, and there's someone out there we can't see or hear it cause it's all fucked because each one is incompatible with the others. and then, there's always a new release of each one, so you're constantly having to upgrade. there should be a default player with each browser and you shouldn't be bale to change it. if you wanna use internet explorer, then you have to use windows media. tough. however, if you want to use realplayer to listen to your mp3s or watch movies, then that shouldn't mess with your browser settings. but it's too bad that some players are so shitty that people go and dl all sorts of other players, then their settings get screwed (cough- microsoft) if you're going to be a big badass, why does your shit suck? i don't get that?

alright, i'm getting pissed with html and everything internet. why can't there be a universality with computers/html/javascript/screen resolutions? why isn't there a way to adjust a webpage for optimum viewing despite the fact that everyone has different resolutions set for their monitors? and there probably is a way, i just can't figure it out. and i'm getting pissed and tired of this.

i wish i had flash.

and why do all these tutorials online suck ass? they all have stupid shit i don't need, and what i do need isn't explained. and why does netscape suck so much ass, yet so many people want to use it? why? why? why?

i wish i had flash.

haven't worked on the new site in a while. wanted to try out some things, but i'm at work, and all my files or, of course, on my pc in my apartment. gotomypc would come in very handy at this point.

if i had access to the files, today would have been a good day. not much has happened. at one point i was in here by myself as everyone went out for a birthday lunch. there was hardly any activity in here.

instead of working on the site, i've opted to make up theme songs with adam for everyone who walks in the office.

i think i've got just about everything done to the site. now i just have to put each piece together. we'll see if i get this before the 30th.

i think i've got just about everything done to the site. now i just have to put each piece together. we'll see if i get this before the 30th.

haven't done much html-wise to the new site. worked more on layout and presentation.

got more comments about the site. even a random email from someone saying i'm just trying to hype up my site with the teaser. well no shit there, sherlock. but don't get all excited, i just made the teaser out of boredom. just another time when i disregard the saying- just because you have the power doesn't mean you have to use it. i used it. don't expect anything great or something.

ran into some snags on a couple strings of html. will try and get them working. haven't received any other comments on the teaser clip, so either it's working, or people just don't email me.

had more ideas on schemes. i realised font colors might be too dark to read. will work on that some more.

i'll keep you posted on any new updates.

brandon phoenix dot com
teaser

things are going alright. wrote up some new html strings. found there may be some glitches in the teaser clip for my new site. (yes, i said teaser clip. my be lame or stupid, but does your site have a teaser clip?).

anyway, some older browsers, maybe even some new ones, download the clip somewhat quickly, but don't play the full 22 seconds. if this happens, reload the page, see if that works. don't know why it's done that, but i've gotten a couple comments on that problem, and tried it here at work, and it did the same thing.

also, i guess the first split-second or two got cut off the beginning. don't know why that's happened either. i just know it's kinda rushed at the very beginning.

and another thing, if you have a monitor with a dim resolution, i.e. things are very bright, then you won't see the teaser very well. obviously.

and if you have no idea what i'm talking about, this might make more sense.

i'm going to use this blog as a way to talk about the progress of my new site.

as of now, i think i'm pretty much set on the template. had a couple of issues with boundaries. still working out color schemes. more to come.

in the news today:

a woman in palm springs, cali. accidentally dials 911 when trying to dial 411 and hangs up. the dispatch calls back and someone hangs up again. two officers are sent. "what happens?", the police find 76 weed plants- $76,000 worth of product. one of the men in the house gave a prescription for medical marijuana to the police, but due to the large quantity of weed, the police were suspicious. he was arrested, as well as another man who tried to run from the police. the woman who dialed was not arrested. heh.

while we're on the number 76,000: top thai astrologers predict april 8th as the last day for a possible us-led attack on iraq. mars will be the closest to earth it has ever been in 76,000 years; the name mars symbolizes war in mythology. the u.s. will win, but the war might be longer than expected. the same astrologers predicted the 1997 asian econominc crisis but failed to foresee the 9/11 attacks.

quotes and stuff:



from resumes:
"accomplishments: completed 11 years of high school."

"below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."

"enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

"excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"exposure to german for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"frequent lecturer: largest audience: 1,351. standing ovations: 5. number of audience questions: 30." ----- what the fuck? do you have a statistician taking numbers down for you?

"graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"i am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"i am sicking and entry-level position."

"i am the bestest person alive for this job, and you you can't see that, it's your loss."

"i have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"i'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a european sedan."

"i perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise." --------- " i am a total bullshitter who got stuck in letter 'e' of the dictionary"

"i worked as a corporate lesion." -------- hahaha, a corporate lesion, that's great

"married, eight children. prefer frequent travel."

"my contributions on product launches were based on dreams that i had."

"my intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." --------- hahaha, must've been george w bush on his application to be president

"my salary requirement is $34 per year."

"special skills: I've got a ph.d. in human feelings."

"special skills: thyping."

"special Skills: speak english."

"typing Speed: 756 wpm."




and now, some g-dub quotes:




"you don't need to be smart to be president" ------------republican congressman j.c. watts - said at a february campaign appearance on bush's behalf

"i think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."

"rarely is the question asked: is our children learning"------------- hmmm, if ralph wiggim were real, george w would be a cousin

"it's clearly a budget. it's got a lot of numbers in it."

"i think we agree, the past is over."

"laura and i really don't realize how bright our children is sometime until we get an objective analysis."

"i was raised in the west. The west of texas. it's pretty close to california. in more ways than washington, d.c., is close to california."

"i understand small business growth. i was one."

"i think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, i think we should knock down the tollbooth." ---------- yea, you tell 'em george

"keep good relations with the grecians." ----------- yea...

"i did denounce it. i de-i denounced it. i denounced interracial dating. i denounced anti-catholic bigacy... bigotry."

"i would have said yes to abortion if only it was right. i mean, yeah it's right. well no it's not right that's why i said no to it."

"there ought to be limits to freedom"

"down in washington they're playing with social security like it's some kind of government program!"

"the reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war!"

"it's your money. you paid for it."

"it's going to require numerous ira agents."

"i know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully"

"will the highways on the internet become more few?"

"they misunderestimated me." --------"me fail english? that's un-possible"

"you teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." -------- ironically, this was said at an elementary school where he touted his education reform plans

"families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

"i think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. i can't answer your question"

and lastly:

"there's a huge trust. i see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'i don't want you to let me down again.'"

so, i put up an away message on aim (freudianphoenix) which read: "if there were a quota on smart people, we'd be ridiculously below it today" or something to that effect, i'm sure i remember how it exactly ended. and i get an im from an unknow party, here's what was said: a tacit war: Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1 CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love." HAAA a la theonion.com. thanks a tacit war whoever you are.

today's thought:
time is way over-rated

this week's lame ass movie review (no, no, i'm not calling my review lame ass, i'm referring to the movie being lame ass)
kangaroo jack
so, what the fuck? how in the hell could this possibly ever be a movie. maybe a cartoon, you know, one of those that comes on so early in the morning that no one sees it anyway. but a movie? damn, what have we come to? answer- kangaroo jack. basically, as all great movie plots go- two dumbasses have to deliver mob money to australia (?) they happen to hit a kangaroo and think it'd be funny to take a picture with the supposed dead kangaroo and dress it up, of course, with the jacket with the money in it (see, dumbasses, but then it wouldn't make for a very good 'lame movie' if they weren't dumbasses) and naturally the kangaroo isn't dead and hops away, so that sets the movie with the dumbasses chasing the kangaroo through the outback. hence, it's my lame movie review of the week. and to think people wasted money on making this, and even worse, people wasted money on seeing this. ok, this movie's faults start with jerry o'connell (joe's apartment, mission to mars) and anthony anderson (urban legends, romeo must die, me myself and irene) as people who'd be associated with the mob. two, the director, david mcnally, has done only one movie before kangaroo jack, subsequently with an animal inserted in the title- coyote ugly, never saw, no desire to, but it still doesn't seem that impressing. somehow though, they got christopher walken. but, the country bears also got him, so, i don't know. kangaroo jack- kangaroo jack shit.

alright, alright, decided i had nothing better to do than bash a lame movie.
today's feature: biker boyz.
i'm getting sick and tired of this "urbanization" this making everything hip hop and rap as pop culture, and now it's gone to far, moving into something it doesn't belong- motorcycles. one, this movie, despite laurence fishburne (kinda sad how he goes from morpheus to this), this movie features kid rock. kid rock? kid fucking rock? i'm surprised it doesn't have nelly, or ja rule, or dmx or something, fuck, where's steven segal? if you read anything about the story, it's being called a "modern day western"- schwhat? modern day western? who comes up with that shit? oh wait, it's obviously the same type of people who think this is actually movie-worthy material, the same people who want to put giant spiders in a superman movie...

so back to the urbanization, motorcycles aren't urban. yea, i know, whoever wants one should be able to have one, regardless of who are what they are, but it seems lately that these rap stars and urban movements have been trying to pick up on motorcycles, specifically sport bikes and crotch rockets. but it's like, you don't know a fucking damn thing about them, you go out and buy a fucking honda cbr and think you're cool cause you drive a crap-shit rice burner with way too much bullshit crap on it that now you're gonna get a bike by the same manufacturer? one thing, if you want something awesome, why not try something italian, ducati, aprilia, fuck even the desparate bimota or mv agusta, that's fucking style. not honda, not kawasaki. the ninja was out dated maybe 4 years after it came out. fucking ignorant urbanization. but, in a way, i'm glad, keep fucking buying your crap cycles, try to act like you're something, make a fucking movie like shit ass the fast and the furious. for one thing, why doesn't someone try and fucking make a movie about real racing, that requires real skill, real bikes, bikes you can't get in the fucking store, even if hollywood extended it's usually lame long arm of drama a cheesy predictable stories, it'd still be better than this piece of shit "biker boyz" but wait, the american motorcycle association or world superbike racing championship isn't urban enough to make a good movie. i mean, what rap star would portray a real racer?


steven segal steven segal steven segal steven segal steven segal steven segal steven segal steven segal steven segal

being the holiday season, i thought i'd do an essay on it, since i haven't put anything else here for a while and don't feel like looking stuff up:
christmas time and new year's, you could even include thanksgiving, since many people really start thinking about christmas right after thanksgiving. a time for family, a time for peace, a time to spread love and joy to others, since, you know, we can't do that all year long, there has to be a devoted time frame for it.

family and friends, the backbone of many people, and the time spent with them during the holidays. driving god knows how many hours, waiting forever at a bus or air terminal, just to spend usually a couple of days...bickering, arguing, getting on one another's very last nerve to the point where you sit and think "why did i come?" you spent countless hours fighting the people in your way at the mall, on the road, in the stores, to pick out the gift, the one you know they'll want and have to have, so it can be "oh"ed and "it's...nice"ed. the temper and anger you'll get wishing you didn't have to go out and shop, wishing you had started shopping earlier, wishing the people dead who beat you to the 4:00 am opening to get all the good prices on the one or two total numbers of a specific item they stock- the rest being full price, the road rage you'll have as you sit through traffic, fight through parking lots, flip people off, wave fists, curse, spat, maybe even really throw down in a target aisle- it's happened before, i'm sure. just to get them "the" gift.

and a time for peace, such a lovely time for peace, the people bum rush the malls at ridiculous hours, fight and nag over "the" toy for christmas this year. rant and rave and get nasty little faces like that bilbo dildo hobbit guy in the "lord of the rings" movie last year, you know that face, lodged somewhere in some hour of the movie where frodo heals up at the elves' crib and sees bilbo again since he left early in the movie, yea, that face, all the people get it, there's no getting around it. they'd as soon push you out of the way or knock you down and kick you before being peaceful.

and a time to spread love and joy. see paragraph above. sure, there are those moments when it seems quiet, seems peaceful, seems joyous, when the family gets along, you feel loved, you feel warm, or that last one could just be becausethe tree they cut down in october has finally had it and it starts to catch fire, like thousands of homes each year, or because you've blown a fuse from having too many lights plugged into one outlet, or because you've got too much crap on the roofs of your house to where it looks like a fake, gaudy las vegas on flintstones vitamins and egg nog (egg nog with rum). some houses could probably even be seen from space with all that crap. and it's some competition? how lame is that? "ooo, let's see how much more shit i can put up" when really, why would you want to? think about it, you just dumped several paychecks on gifts for everyone, charged your credit card countless times, and now you want to deface your house and run your electricity bill sky high...you know those credit cards advertised on tv, "no-interest till january '_ _ (fill in the blank) they do that cause you're gonna be in fucking debt from all the gifts, charges, bills, that they're going to get you with the bill collector. it's ridiculous. but i guess it's christmas cheer...right along with all that third paragraph.

then it moves to new year's, the time to think back and reflect...reflect on all the shit you've gone through, how it's not going to happen this year when you know good and well it will, reflect on your debt, reflect on positive things, and how you wish more happened. a time to make "new year's resolutions" that's got to be one of the best jokes i've ever heard. it's liek an attempt to forget the past year, to repress it, but all in vain. new year's, like thanksgiving, a time to look back on all you have and appreciate it, and appreciate all the things, good bad and awful you had to do to get them. mostly, i think new year's as one of the loneliest times of the year. you get caught up in yourself, in your "resolutions", in the fact that you have to have someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight and how your year will be for shit if you don't find someone in the next 5 minutes so you frantically search whatever party, bar, get together you're at to find that other kissless soul to make you complete. or your year will be for shit. how lonely is that? now, sure, there are the exceptions of lovers who spend the time together, friends who platonically hang out and have a good time, the families who watch prehistoric dick clark's "rockin' eve" together. and those who go to bed after the midnght stroke, maybe even before, maybe around 11:00, or even 10:30. cause it's all the same to them. another day. how lonely is that? fuck,new year's should be sponsored by prozac, fuck, even valium. but i'm against those drugs. maybe for some people.

the holiday season, such a wonderful time, when love is a diamond or james bond razor, when the spirit is commercial, and the salvation army has it's biggest drive all year. i wonder how much they do get. i think it's a great cause, and i dump money in if i have some, but why not all year, why just this time? this time when people are the most rushed, the most hurried, the most stressed, the meanest, the most awful...the kindest...the most joyous...why can't it be all year long. why just this time of year?...people will always be mean, they will always cut you off, but it seems more so this time of year, or maybe because it seems like the time of year to be nicer, kinder, so it's just amplified when really, it's not any more worse...

i know this is not much of an essay, it's not really structured that well, but, sometimes that's when they're the best, when it's just stream of consciousness, just coming out however it comes out. maybe i'm just too critical, maybe just too naive, maybe even too cynical. maybe i'm just lost. or maybe everyone else is, and i'm enlightnened...by what, i don't know, but maybe i am.

in any case, happy holidays.

today:

berlin: tacheles art center- visitors to the off-beat art center mistook a woman's suicide as an art performance. the night before, artists at the center learned of the woman's intentions on suicide, tried to talk her out of it, but the next day she jumped...and you can mistake that for an art performance?!? what the fuck? "oh, nice life-like depiction of internal organs, nice smearing of flesh and splattered blood, well done" fuck, people are that stupid...

a german priest, eckhard bieger, wants to get rid of the santa image coca-cola helped to create, the rosy-cheeked fat man in the red suit, he believes that image "commercializes" christmas. he passed out several thousand "anti-santa" bumper stickers, which read "this is a santa-free zone."my aim is to put st nicholas back at the center of attention rather than this santa claus figure, which is just an empty shell." "the children should be at the center of attention. we need to focus more on core values and less on commercialism." --- huh, wha? would you fucking decide who should be at the center of attention? bieger said he wanted to revive a tradition in which st nicholas went from house to house on the night of december 6 and put sweets into shoes of well-behaved children...so, basically, he wants the image to switch from santa claus to a hershey's st nick?

check it out

ah, so the time is upon us...the weather is getting colder (well here in north texas it'll get cold, then warm up to the 70s, then get go to the 30s and 40s, then go back up- that's why so many people get colds here), the leaves have turned, well, some, and yes...finals...such a glorious life those of us in college lead...i've actually cracked open a couple books, maybe it won't be that bad...right...

so thanksgiving past, went to lubbock by way of 380, heh, my mom was pulled over by the haskell county sheriff for going 75 when the speed limit at night is 65...yes, the person who tells me i'm speedy gonzales, the same person who hasn't be pulled over in 10 years, this person who listened to their son when he said "see if you can catch up to the car in front of us"...she just got a verbal warning...


in related news: fuck the crap ass texas town of jacksboro. fuck it up the ass. yes, you jacksboro backwoods hicks can fuck yourselves, well, they're not really backwoods country people, but they can still fuck themselves up their own asses. i ask you, since when did the police force change from protecting and serving to a revenue service. the jacksboro police force apparently has. they conviently set up a speed trap the sunday after thanksgiving...here's how it went: one squad car on a certain corner with the radar and 5 or so officers on foot around a slow curve next to a big dirt lot flagging cars down as they passed giving out tickets. well, i missed our turn, so i had to make the block and came back around and got back on 380, when i pulled onto 380 the first speed limit sign i saw said 45 and i saw the cop, so i wasn't going to go over 45...i was flagged down and directed to pull into a dirt lot..."sir, you were going 45 in a 30 zone" what the fuck?!? i didn't see a 30 sign, i made the block and skipped it, but whatever, this is cheap pulling people over on a high traffic area with the majority of the cars being pulled over travellers. so that was enough, but when he asked to see my license, he never asked for proof of insurance, and he never rab my plates, he stood behind my car with his back to my license plate, wrote the ticket and gave it to me...we could've been fucking convicts, the car could've been stolen and this dipshit didn't even go through proper procedure, what kind of fucking cop is he?!? gives a bad impression of what small town cops are like. fucking racket. i tell you i feel safe in jacksboro knowing that half the force is working a fucking speed trap... lame asses. fuck you jacksboro. you know, if i had been pulled over by a squad car for speeding on the highway or something, i wouldn't complain cause he caught me fair and square, but their little trap there, that's fucking ludicrous, unethical, and fucking ridiculous. i hope one of the cars that was stopped and plates or insurance wasn't checked was stolen or does something so that it will get back to those fucking dipshits...stay away from jacksboro, texas, if you have to pass through, don't stop, don't support their community or their businesses, let them rot in hell...i try not to use this as a diary or what not, but i had to let you know about this...

in completely related news:

things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
indubitably
innovative
preliminary
proliferation
cinnamon
things that are very difficult to say when you're drunk:
specificity
british
constitution
passive-aggressive disorder
loquacious
transubstantiate
things that are downright impossible to say when you're drunk:
thanks, but i don't want to have sex
nope, no more booze for me
sorry, but you're not really my type
we should take a cab
oh, i just couldn't
no one wants to hear me sing!


i am currently trying to figure out the perpetuation of affirmative action...

jerry springer: the musical, or umm opera- britain's national theater gave the world premier of "jerry springer: the opera" and it's had such wide review that it's going into full scale production in london in april. among the "showstoppers": a diaper fetishist confessing all to his true love, a dance routine by the ku klux klan, and jesus launching into a swearing tirade against the devil...hmmm...


michael jackson is a weird fuck

tommy chong (cheech & chong) opened an art show which featured photos of graffiti art, photos of sandy beaches, carved wooden sculptures, and (big surprise here) hand carved wooden pipes and colorful water pipes (it was noted that nearly every piece could double as a bong) one viewer stated while viewing a piece that appeared to be a glob of melted water pipes "it's the metaphor that you smoke out of these to get melted." ooo, an einstein here. nevertheless, tommy chong is cool

and that's all i've got for today

in the essence of the new bond movie, here's a ranking of the bond movies, according to entertainment weekly:
20. a view to a kill (1985, roger moore)
19. octopussy (1983, moore)
18. license to kill (1989, timothy dalton)
17. the living daylights (1987, dalton
16. the man with the golden gun (1974, moore)
15. moonraker (1979, moore)
14. the world is not enough (1999, pierce brosnan)
13. tomorrow never dies (1998, brosnan)
12. live and let die (1973, moore)
11. for your eyes only (1981, moore)
10. never say never again (1983, sean connery)
9. diamonds are forever (1971, connery)
8. goldeneye (1995, brosnan)
7. on her majesty's secret service (1969, george lazenby)
6. dr. no (1st bond movie, 1962, connery)
5. you only live twice (1967, connery)
4. the spy who loved me (1977, moore)
3. from russia with love (1963, connery)
2. thunderball (1965, connery)
1. goldmember, oh, i mean, goldfinger (1964, connery)

in the news:

what does minister herb dhaliwal, canada's natural resource minister, one of the major players in the push for ratification of the kyoto climate change protocol (the move to clean up the air and lessen and prevent greenhouse gases) drive? two volvos and two suv's, general motors 4x4's to be precise. he was recently unveiling canada's plans to implement the kyoto accord, one of which calls to citizens to buy smaller, more fuel-efficient cars...


right here in texas, ft. worth: businessman and pastor james andrew smith finished a powerpoint presentation to co-workers, and while trying to open another document on his laptop, a picture of a nude boy appeared. smith blamed the incident on a computer virus...kiddie porn was found on disks later seized from smith, as well as 65 pages of printed kiddie porn allegedly found in his desk. smith was fired from excel, a ft. worth based company, and resigned as pastor of landmark baptist church...virus huh, more like disease...


and that's pretty much all found...well, i didn't really look that hard. i almost put the story of the 50-yr old scientist who burned his penis from using his laptop in his lap, he was wearing clothes but somehow still burned his penis enough for it to blister and crust over and get infected...oh wait, i guess i did put that story up just now...


eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser

"copy paper information
skillcraft copy paper is manufactured by weyerhaeuser to meet paper industry and texas state standards. using state of the art equipment weyerhaeuser produces copy paper that can be printed on either side with equal results. there is no need to be concerned about which side of the paper is the 'good' side; just put the paper in the machine. the manufacturer suggests that the first and last sheet be discarded for best results." right... so...if it's state of the art, then why do i need to discard the first and last sheet for best results? and if either side of the paper is good, then why do i need to discard the first and last sheet? couldn't i just flip the first and last sheet over? let's look at this: our xerox copy machine holds "4" reams of paper (ream = 500 sheets), but i've been able to get 5 in, so that's 5 x 2 (2, the first and last sheet) = 10. per day, we go through roughly 15 reams of paper, so per average week, that's 75 reams of paper, 75 x 2 = 150 sheets. however, during times when tests and exams are being copied, we go through about 7 extra reams per day, so that's 15 + 7 = 22 reams, and tests are usually in demand for 2 weeks, so that's 44 reams during test weeks, and there's generally 4 periods like this, so that's 44 x 4 = 176, so that's 176 x 2 = 352 sheets. school goes on for the whole year pretty much, except for christmas break (there are summer sessions, and yes, copies are made during summer sessions) so basically school is going on for 10 months, well, at least the office is open for that long, so that's usually 4 weeks per month, 4 x 10 = 40, so then 40 - 8 (8, 4 test periods, lasting 2 weeks each) = 32, so 32 x 75 = 2400 reams per school year, 2400 x 2 = 4800 sheets + 352 = 5152 sheets. 5152 / 500 = 10.3 reams of paper wasted. 5152 sheets suggested to be discard for best results...a year...i have 12 months of service so far in this office, and i guaran-damn-tee you i've used every sheet in the fucking ream...that's so wasteful...5152 sheets...

yea yea, i'm getting bad at posting stuff for you all, i know...


actor jeffry jones faces child sex charges
you may not know who jeffry jones is; has appeared in amadeus, the hunt for red october, ed wood, beetlejuice, the crucible, and most notably- the principal, ed rooney, in ferris bueller's day off. that's right, the dean of students in ferris bueller's day off faces charges of using a minor for sex acts and possession of child pornography. the actor's house was searched after allegations from a minor against the 56 year old actor...what's the world coming to?...


in japan: yokohama: world's fastest computer, the earth simulator, 640 supercomputers connected by a high-speed network, performs 35.86 trillion calculations per second (!?!)-that's four and a half times faster than the next fastest machine (!?!) the next two fastest machines can only do 7.73 trillion calculations per second, only...the earth simulator, studying the climate and other aspects of the earth, is the only supercomputer outside the u.s. to top the list. the next two are commssioned at the los alamos national laboratory in new mexico...uh oh...japan trying to be some kind of badass now...i know i'm fucking sick and tired and these crap-ass "tricked out" rice-burners everywhere...i wonder if the earth simulator can simulate that...biotch...


speaking of lame-ass wanna-be racecar "tricked-out" rice burners- the fast and the furious 2!!! oh shit i'm there...even though i've never seen the first one...this one should be good though despite the the absense of vin diesel. paul walker returns, and new cast mates include r&b hip hop rap whatever stars tyrese and ludacris...damn, nothing says good acting like one name celebrities who are also r&b rap hip hop artists with dumbass names...can anyone say "anaconda" "half past dead" "exit wounds"...regardless, releases june 2003...i've got my ticket...


speaking of half past dead and exit wounds, why the fuck is steven seagal still around and why is he making even more crap-ass movies compared to his earlier ones, and why do all his new movies (if you can call them movies) co-star rap artists? if i were a rapper and was offered a role in a steven seagal movie, i'd crap my pants at the thought of fucking up my career...but, that's just me...

yea, i know, haven't done anything here in a while...my apologies, and it seems today several people are sending me good stuff that should go in here, so, looks like my work is done for me, but i'll give credit where credit is due, so...

compliments of sarah:

knutsford, somewhere in central england: the people are being terrorized by... a squirrel... yes, a squirrel, a squirrel scary enough to chase grown men, and attack children. the people of the town are afraid to let their children out to play for fear of being attacked like one 2 yr old kelsi morley, who was bitten on the forehead. a local woman, blanche kellye, "everyone round here is living in fear...it's a vicious little thing. i'll never trust squirrels again."...


but along came a hero:

geoff horth, grandfather of little kelsi morley, girl attacked by the "rogue" squirrel in knutsford, somewhere in central england, "tracked" the squirrel down and shot it with an air rifle. "its a shame he went nuts, but i couldn't let this little beggar hold the town to ransom," the local hero said...


ooo, some hero...but i guess i don't know the full extent of the viciousness of a squirrel...squirrels are kick-ass


and from crystal, copied and pasted word for word from email:


Criminal Masterminds From Across The Country
This just goes to show the quality of our criminals has
definitely taken a nose-dive!

Florida:

Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the
bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment,
everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved
his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't
have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The would-be
thief ran away and is still at large.

Tennessee:

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the
bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is,
the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he
didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

Louisiana:

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If
someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed?

Arkansas:

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York:

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give the police a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the
store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told,
"Stand there for a positive ID." To this instruction the man
replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."

Washington:

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to
a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesperson said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose
into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the
vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.

New Jersey:

A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there
was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called
the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad
in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to
meet, and the thief was arrested.

Michigan:

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun,
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available
for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky:

Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove
home--. with the chain still attached to the machine-- with
their bumper still attached to the chain-- with their vehicle's
license plate still attached to the bumper.


funny funny stuff


and in other news, new update, finally finished who knows what on my site, www.brandonphoenix.com

people say "there's someone for everybody" well, with that in mind, here are some personals ads, unaltered, unedited, with my own little comments or suggestions in parathesis in italics

What's your sine? Math professor seeks sexy lady with full functions for hot pi and shared vector space. CalTech and MIT grads only. (hey, even geeks need love)

Neurotic camel-lover in search of woman who will wear a sheet over her head. Has to love having no electricity, sharing horrid body odors, and living in sand castles. (hmmm...don't know what to say for that one)

Male immigrant whose visa is about to expire in search of love at first sight. You must be ready for an immediate marriage based on love and trust--or at least be willing to testify that it is. (hahaha, at least he's honest...i guess)

My hobbies include drooling, screaming in a silent library, smelling strangers' armpits in an elevator, and eating heads of cabbage. Seeking someone who belches uncontrollably, has halitosis, and is willing to drive me to Mexico. (halitosis- foul-smelling breath)

Greedy, money-hungry, single white female looking for obscenely rich older man (preferably on his death bed) to spend time and money with. Would like to wiggle my way into the will and be the sole beneficiary. Call before time runs out. (bitches is bitches)

I'm new to cannibalism and willing to sacrifice two remaining toes and at least one arm. You must have large, meaty breasts. (mmm tasty... toes and arms...but should i be shocked or should i find it funny...i'm gonna go with finding it funny)

Former Catholic male, now Protestant female, seeks handicapped (preferably blind) male companion to gorge on peanut butter and mac-and-cheese sandwiches. Please call between 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. (hmmm...riiiggghhhttt, wants blind people...that means the operation went bad and they ugly)

Do you have six toes or another pedal anomaly? If so, I want you! Other deformities--however attractive--need not apply. (again...riiiigggghhhtttt)

Female telemarketer ISO phone relationship with man. Marital status unimportant since we'll never meet. Must be available for calls during the dinner hour. (the wife of the potential guy who goes for this one- "you phone sex home-wrecker whore!" alright, yea, wasn't funny, but the ad is stupid too)

You have brown hair and green eyes, with a mole on your left cheek. I watch you from behind the bushes with my binoculars. Don't bother to respond; I already know where you live. (ooooo, i'd be scared, damn dweeb jerk-off who places this crap ass stupid ad)
at least they all knew what they wanted...right?...




classified ads, again unaltered and unedited:



Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Nine cows for sale, never bred. And also one gay bull.

Garyville Postal Employee Gun Club--free membership.

Butcher gloves for sale. One five-fingered glove and one two-finger. $18 for pair.

Wanted: Free furniture, bedding, kitchen table, color TV, etc.

Treadmill $2.50. Hardly used. Call Pudgy 823-2002.

Tired of working for only $9.25 an hour? We offer full benefits and flexible hours. Starting pay anywhere from $7 to $9 per hour.

Florida Oranges. California-grown. 99 cents a pound.

Smoked boneless man--$2.09 a pound.

For Sale: Parachute, never opened, used once.

Debbie's Hair Salon: If we can't make you look good, you're UGLY!

German Shepard for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Homemade American flag for sale. Sixty stars and one pole, $75.

Free puppies: half poodle, half sneaky dog next door.

Snow blower for sale. Good condition, only used in the winter.

and

Do something special for your loved one this anniversary! Have your septic tank cleaned.




ahh, lawsuits, don't you love them, especially the frivolous ones. i shit you not, these are true:



Chris Morris brought a suit against the state of Michigan for $1 million. Morris claims he caught a cold in the rotunda (a large, round room) of the state capitol building. He was there to observe an art exhibition.

A California woman sued a grocery store after she dropped a six-pack of beer on her feet. The woman was not injured, but she said that it hurt. She won the lawsuit.

A construction worker in Tulsa intentionally cut his hand off with a circular saw. When he was taken to the emergency room, he told doctors not to reattach the hand, saying that it was possessed. The man is now suing the doctors for not reattaching his hand, claiming that the doctors should have known he was psychotic. (alright, now on this one, i don't know, the doctors should have done something anyway regardless, but i don't know about attaching a whole hand back, i mean, yea your ear or finger, but a hand, damn, didn't know they could do that...)

17-year-old Ricky Higgins is suing his high school after he was kicked off the basketball team for driving drunk. He is suing for $100,000 and would like to be reinstated on the team. His lawyers claim that he is an alcoholic, and that his disability is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Erica Bailey, 21, is suing for $1.5 million after the child she was babysitting hit her in the throat. Bailey claimed she could not live a normal life with her new, hoarse voice.

Ed O'Rourke of Florida filed a suit against several bars, asserting that they should not have served him alcohol. He is asking for compensation for injuries he suffered when he climbed an electrical transformer in his drunken state and received a 13,000-volt shock.

A convict in Colorado sued for early release because, he said, "Everyone knows a con only serves about 3 years of a 10-year sentence."

A Pennsylvania woman is suing a pharmacy because she bought a contraceptive jelly from them and got pregnant anyway. She failed to read the directions and ate the jelly on toast. (ah hahaha, i laughed my ass off on that one, damn dumbass, and yea, i said "ah hahaha")

A restaurant in Philadelphia was sued after Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, slipped and broke her coccyx on a beverage that had been spilled on the floor. She was awarded $113,500. Not bad, considering she had thrown the drink at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument. (coccyx- small triangular bone at the base of the spine, and damn, how do these people win or get anything...)

An inmate in Tennessee, Gary Bradford Cone, is suing the state because they have taken away his "right" to possess pornography. (A new state law does not allow it.) Cone is on Death Row.

A man riding his bike home from work at night with no lights, only reflectors, was hit by a Jeep after the driver ran a stop sign. The bicyclist sued the bike manufacturer because he was not warned that reflectors might not be enough to prevent an accident. The man was awarded $6 million. (fuck...and my mom said not to ride my bike at night...that could be my and my children's college education right there...fuck...)

and oh this is the best one

A man is suing a bank that he attempted to rob. After employees of the bank realized he was deaf, they were able to talk during the attempted robbery, which made it easy for them to stall the would-be robber until police arrived. The failed bank robber is suing the bank for discrimination.




and on the topic of law, here are true laws:



Iowa: You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time.

Indiana: No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

Massachusetts: No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

New Jersey: If you are convicted of driving while intoxicated, you are no longer allowed to apply for personalized license plates.

Texas: When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. (say huh? what? i copied it word for word, so either the site had a typo or some texans are just dumbasses...i'm glad i'm from arizona)

Ohio: It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. Unfortunately, this doesn't help the whales much as Ohio is land-locked and the only whales that can be found in the state are in large aquariums.




and, would you like to know where the money's going, check this out: military intelligence budgets

in today's news:

a man in pelican rapids, minnesota found that he could train his dog to fetch him a beer, much like fetching the newspaper or a toy. however, he didn't plan on the dog actually opening a can and drinking it. the dog, at one point, drank so much that it was well over the legal limit. neighbors saw the dog acting strangely, called animal control, when animal control arrived, they called the local police. the police gave a breathalyzer test to the dog and gave the fine to the owner. when writing out the ticket, the two officers decided on what to write it for: m.i.c. (minor in consumption). the dog is 2 years old (2 years = 14 dog years = minor in consumption) the officer's questioned the man on the incident, and upon further investigation found 8 opened cans, the dog using it's teeth to pry open or puncture the cans, each can 3/4 emptied. the man claimed to have not taught the dog how to open the cans...


researchers in england working together with researchers in san francisco have found that asians are 10% more likely to die, asian americans 15% more likely to die, and asians born in america of mixed descent 25% more likely to die than any other race in america...

the sign in is on the right side of the page, once you sign in, there will be three options to choose from in the same box that the sign in prompt was in. one will be orange and will say "stuff" click this to start posting. in the post dialogue box, it works much like an email. to publish and post your post. once you are done, click "post and publish" in the upper right-hand side. that's it. be sure to sign out once you are done. again, the sign in name is "blog guest" and the password is: guest. sign in

alright, so i tried to make it to where people could post to reply to my posts, so i opened an account for anyone and everyone to use to reply to me if they so wish. if this appeals to you, you can sign in as "blog guest" (minus the quotations) and the password is: guest . now since i would like anyone and everyone to be able to do this, i had to make the account anonymous, so, if you partake in this, please leave your name in the post you put up. i reserve the right to delete any posts put up by anyone. i have also made it to where you cannot alter my posts. again, sign in as blog guest, password: guest. sign in

now if you haven't already done so, read the lyrics i posted last night

death by a lack of sleep and the ever-present urge to not want to retain a thing

staring into the screen
it stares back at me
thinking how i got here
mediocrity is over-rated
over-weighted, so i think
but i continue on
next morning i'll get up
see what's up
and continue on


running into each other
into the walls of the halls
of all the same we've come to expect
that which we'll regret when we've passed on
and i'll get up in the morning
and continue on


staring towards the front
boredom's already made it's home
my pseudo-attention is an affront
to the unware drone
but they continue on
and on and on and on


running into each other
into the walls of the halls
of all the same things we've come to expect
that which we'll regret when we've passed on
and i'll get up in the morning
and continue on


death by a lack of sleep
and the ever-present urge
to not want to retain a thing
death's a dream to keep
by your bed-side on the verge
of realising you haven't a thing to keep
death by a lack of sleep
and the ever-present urge
to not want to retain a damn thing
death by a lack of caring
and compassion for the music blaring
swearing and tearing up the dream to keep
realising you haven't gotten sleep
in a week


staring into the screen
incesantly staring back at me
and i'll continue on




yea, got those out in about 15 minutes...

lol vs. hahaha


in today's times, we usually find ourselves pressed for time; so many different things going on. this translates to our conversations daily. several times we find ourselves too lazy, so those little abbreviations (i.e. lol- "laugh out loud") can come in handy in internet conversations, be it through instant messaging or email, or even in text messaging available on some cell phones. but the point of this argument is whether or not these abbreviations are that necessary, and if they're even the truth.


how many times do you find yourself using "lol"? and how is that so much more efficient than using "haha" or "hehe" (despite the questionableness of 'hehe')? lol = 1.08 seconds; haha = 1.03 seconds; hahaha = 1.05 seconds; for the sake of being fair- hehe = 1.03 seconds. as we see here, "lol" isn't more efficient than either "haha" or "hehe" and registered the same score as "hahaha" which is one syllable longer than "haha" or "hehe" and 3 charaters longer than "lol"


how many times a day do you find youself using "lol" when you didn't actually laugh out loud? why put it if you didn't laugh out loud? are you a liar? the fact is, is that many people, regardless of actually laughing out loud use "lol" and surprisingly, 68% still use it, even if they didn't find the comment funny. pathological liars? maybe, but most likely not quite.


the simple point is that in the trend of using abbreviations, people got too caught up in it. they feel like they're accomplishing something with spending the least amount of effort in doing so, when in fact we clearly see "haha" was faster than "lol". because "lol" is only 3 characters, one would likely assume that it was easier and faster. people will also tend to use "lol" even when what was said is found to not be that funny for the simple fact to a) keep the conversation going, b) pity for the person, but don't have the heart to let them know they're not funny, or c) try to conceal the fact that they aren't really paying much attention to the conversation anyway and figure it was a "lol" moment.


as for other abbreviations (lmao, rotfl, and various other obscure ones used in various small circles of freinds) they have all been found to be equally gay and useless. even other abbreviations used for a variety of different expressions (brb, g/g, g2g, and others similar) were found to have little importance other than the fact that everyone else was using them and it was the cool thing to do (i.e.- a fad). it was also found that words missing letters and replaced with other letters and/or numbers ("sk8"- skate, "sk8er"- skater, gurl, boi, kewl, etc) were just as gay and useless as "lmao", "rotfl" except for in the instances were the person(s) using them wanted to draw attention to themself to show everyone else how gay and useless they were. other abbreviations consisting of more than 3 letters were also considered gay, useless, and therefore pointless too. "hstgacm2wtpmfi" (holy shit these gay abbreviations cause me to want to punch my face in)