in the essence of the new bond movie, here's a ranking of the bond movies, according to entertainment weekly:
20. a view to a kill (1985, roger moore)
19. octopussy (1983, moore)
18. license to kill (1989, timothy dalton)
17. the living daylights (1987, dalton
16. the man with the golden gun (1974, moore)
15. moonraker (1979, moore)
14. the world is not enough (1999, pierce brosnan)
13. tomorrow never dies (1998, brosnan)
12. live and let die (1973, moore)
11. for your eyes only (1981, moore)
10. never say never again (1983, sean connery)
9. diamonds are forever (1971, connery)
8. goldeneye (1995, brosnan)
7. on her majesty's secret service (1969, george lazenby)
6. dr. no (1st bond movie, 1962, connery)
5. you only live twice (1967, connery)
4. the spy who loved me (1977, moore)
3. from russia with love (1963, connery)
2. thunderball (1965, connery)
1. goldmember, oh, i mean, goldfinger (1964, connery)

in the news:

what does minister herb dhaliwal, canada's natural resource minister, one of the major players in the push for ratification of the kyoto climate change protocol (the move to clean up the air and lessen and prevent greenhouse gases) drive? two volvos and two suv's, general motors 4x4's to be precise. he was recently unveiling canada's plans to implement the kyoto accord, one of which calls to citizens to buy smaller, more fuel-efficient cars...


right here in texas, ft. worth: businessman and pastor james andrew smith finished a powerpoint presentation to co-workers, and while trying to open another document on his laptop, a picture of a nude boy appeared. smith blamed the incident on a computer virus...kiddie porn was found on disks later seized from smith, as well as 65 pages of printed kiddie porn allegedly found in his desk. smith was fired from excel, a ft. worth based company, and resigned as pastor of landmark baptist church...virus huh, more like disease...


and that's pretty much all found...well, i didn't really look that hard. i almost put the story of the 50-yr old scientist who burned his penis from using his laptop in his lap, he was wearing clothes but somehow still burned his penis enough for it to blister and crust over and get infected...oh wait, i guess i did put that story up just now...


eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser eric schlosser

"copy paper information
skillcraft copy paper is manufactured by weyerhaeuser to meet paper industry and texas state standards. using state of the art equipment weyerhaeuser produces copy paper that can be printed on either side with equal results. there is no need to be concerned about which side of the paper is the 'good' side; just put the paper in the machine. the manufacturer suggests that the first and last sheet be discarded for best results." right... so...if it's state of the art, then why do i need to discard the first and last sheet for best results? and if either side of the paper is good, then why do i need to discard the first and last sheet? couldn't i just flip the first and last sheet over? let's look at this: our xerox copy machine holds "4" reams of paper (ream = 500 sheets), but i've been able to get 5 in, so that's 5 x 2 (2, the first and last sheet) = 10. per day, we go through roughly 15 reams of paper, so per average week, that's 75 reams of paper, 75 x 2 = 150 sheets. however, during times when tests and exams are being copied, we go through about 7 extra reams per day, so that's 15 + 7 = 22 reams, and tests are usually in demand for 2 weeks, so that's 44 reams during test weeks, and there's generally 4 periods like this, so that's 44 x 4 = 176, so that's 176 x 2 = 352 sheets. school goes on for the whole year pretty much, except for christmas break (there are summer sessions, and yes, copies are made during summer sessions) so basically school is going on for 10 months, well, at least the office is open for that long, so that's usually 4 weeks per month, 4 x 10 = 40, so then 40 - 8 (8, 4 test periods, lasting 2 weeks each) = 32, so 32 x 75 = 2400 reams per school year, 2400 x 2 = 4800 sheets + 352 = 5152 sheets. 5152 / 500 = 10.3 reams of paper wasted. 5152 sheets suggested to be discard for best results...a year...i have 12 months of service so far in this office, and i guaran-damn-tee you i've used every sheet in the fucking ream...that's so wasteful...5152 sheets...

yea yea, i'm getting bad at posting stuff for you all, i know...


actor jeffry jones faces child sex charges
you may not know who jeffry jones is; has appeared in amadeus, the hunt for red october, ed wood, beetlejuice, the crucible, and most notably- the principal, ed rooney, in ferris bueller's day off. that's right, the dean of students in ferris bueller's day off faces charges of using a minor for sex acts and possession of child pornography. the actor's house was searched after allegations from a minor against the 56 year old actor...what's the world coming to?...


in japan: yokohama: world's fastest computer, the earth simulator, 640 supercomputers connected by a high-speed network, performs 35.86 trillion calculations per second (!?!)-that's four and a half times faster than the next fastest machine (!?!) the next two fastest machines can only do 7.73 trillion calculations per second, only...the earth simulator, studying the climate and other aspects of the earth, is the only supercomputer outside the u.s. to top the list. the next two are commssioned at the los alamos national laboratory in new mexico...uh oh...japan trying to be some kind of badass now...i know i'm fucking sick and tired and these crap-ass "tricked out" rice-burners everywhere...i wonder if the earth simulator can simulate that...biotch...


speaking of lame-ass wanna-be racecar "tricked-out" rice burners- the fast and the furious 2!!! oh shit i'm there...even though i've never seen the first one...this one should be good though despite the the absense of vin diesel. paul walker returns, and new cast mates include r&b hip hop rap whatever stars tyrese and ludacris...damn, nothing says good acting like one name celebrities who are also r&b rap hip hop artists with dumbass names...can anyone say "anaconda" "half past dead" "exit wounds"...regardless, releases june 2003...i've got my ticket...


speaking of half past dead and exit wounds, why the fuck is steven seagal still around and why is he making even more crap-ass movies compared to his earlier ones, and why do all his new movies (if you can call them movies) co-star rap artists? if i were a rapper and was offered a role in a steven seagal movie, i'd crap my pants at the thought of fucking up my career...but, that's just me...

yea, i know, haven't done anything here in a while...my apologies, and it seems today several people are sending me good stuff that should go in here, so, looks like my work is done for me, but i'll give credit where credit is due, so...

compliments of sarah:

knutsford, somewhere in central england: the people are being terrorized by... a squirrel... yes, a squirrel, a squirrel scary enough to chase grown men, and attack children. the people of the town are afraid to let their children out to play for fear of being attacked like one 2 yr old kelsi morley, who was bitten on the forehead. a local woman, blanche kellye, "everyone round here is living in fear...it's a vicious little thing. i'll never trust squirrels again."...


but along came a hero:

geoff horth, grandfather of little kelsi morley, girl attacked by the "rogue" squirrel in knutsford, somewhere in central england, "tracked" the squirrel down and shot it with an air rifle. "its a shame he went nuts, but i couldn't let this little beggar hold the town to ransom," the local hero said...


ooo, some hero...but i guess i don't know the full extent of the viciousness of a squirrel...squirrels are kick-ass


and from crystal, copied and pasted word for word from email:


Criminal Masterminds From Across The Country
This just goes to show the quality of our criminals has
definitely taken a nose-dive!

Florida:

Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the
bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment,
everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved
his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't
have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The would-be
thief ran away and is still at large.

Tennessee:

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the
bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is,
the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he
didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

Louisiana:

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If
someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed?

Arkansas:

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York:

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give the police a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the
store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told,
"Stand there for a positive ID." To this instruction the man
replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."

Washington:

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to
a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesperson said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose
into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the
vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.

New Jersey:

A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there
was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called
the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad
in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to
meet, and the thief was arrested.

Michigan:

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun,
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available
for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky:

Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove
home--. with the chain still attached to the machine-- with
their bumper still attached to the chain-- with their vehicle's
license plate still attached to the bumper.


funny funny stuff


and in other news, new update, finally finished who knows what on my site, www.brandonphoenix.com