people say "there's someone for everybody" well, with that in mind, here are some personals ads, unaltered, unedited, with my own little comments or suggestions in parathesis in italics

What's your sine? Math professor seeks sexy lady with full functions for hot pi and shared vector space. CalTech and MIT grads only. (hey, even geeks need love)

Neurotic camel-lover in search of woman who will wear a sheet over her head. Has to love having no electricity, sharing horrid body odors, and living in sand castles. (hmmm...don't know what to say for that one)

Male immigrant whose visa is about to expire in search of love at first sight. You must be ready for an immediate marriage based on love and trust--or at least be willing to testify that it is. (hahaha, at least he's honest...i guess)

My hobbies include drooling, screaming in a silent library, smelling strangers' armpits in an elevator, and eating heads of cabbage. Seeking someone who belches uncontrollably, has halitosis, and is willing to drive me to Mexico. (halitosis- foul-smelling breath)

Greedy, money-hungry, single white female looking for obscenely rich older man (preferably on his death bed) to spend time and money with. Would like to wiggle my way into the will and be the sole beneficiary. Call before time runs out. (bitches is bitches)

I'm new to cannibalism and willing to sacrifice two remaining toes and at least one arm. You must have large, meaty breasts. (mmm tasty... toes and arms...but should i be shocked or should i find it funny...i'm gonna go with finding it funny)

Former Catholic male, now Protestant female, seeks handicapped (preferably blind) male companion to gorge on peanut butter and mac-and-cheese sandwiches. Please call between 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. (hmmm...riiiggghhhttt, wants blind people...that means the operation went bad and they ugly)

Do you have six toes or another pedal anomaly? If so, I want you! Other deformities--however attractive--need not apply. (again...riiiigggghhhtttt)

Female telemarketer ISO phone relationship with man. Marital status unimportant since we'll never meet. Must be available for calls during the dinner hour. (the wife of the potential guy who goes for this one- "you phone sex home-wrecker whore!" alright, yea, wasn't funny, but the ad is stupid too)

You have brown hair and green eyes, with a mole on your left cheek. I watch you from behind the bushes with my binoculars. Don't bother to respond; I already know where you live. (ooooo, i'd be scared, damn dweeb jerk-off who places this crap ass stupid ad)
at least they all knew what they wanted...right?...




classified ads, again unaltered and unedited:



Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Nine cows for sale, never bred. And also one gay bull.

Garyville Postal Employee Gun Club--free membership.

Butcher gloves for sale. One five-fingered glove and one two-finger. $18 for pair.

Wanted: Free furniture, bedding, kitchen table, color TV, etc.

Treadmill $2.50. Hardly used. Call Pudgy 823-2002.

Tired of working for only $9.25 an hour? We offer full benefits and flexible hours. Starting pay anywhere from $7 to $9 per hour.

Florida Oranges. California-grown. 99 cents a pound.

Smoked boneless man--$2.09 a pound.

For Sale: Parachute, never opened, used once.

Debbie's Hair Salon: If we can't make you look good, you're UGLY!

German Shepard for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Homemade American flag for sale. Sixty stars and one pole, $75.

Free puppies: half poodle, half sneaky dog next door.

Snow blower for sale. Good condition, only used in the winter.

and

Do something special for your loved one this anniversary! Have your septic tank cleaned.




ahh, lawsuits, don't you love them, especially the frivolous ones. i shit you not, these are true:



Chris Morris brought a suit against the state of Michigan for $1 million. Morris claims he caught a cold in the rotunda (a large, round room) of the state capitol building. He was there to observe an art exhibition.

A California woman sued a grocery store after she dropped a six-pack of beer on her feet. The woman was not injured, but she said that it hurt. She won the lawsuit.

A construction worker in Tulsa intentionally cut his hand off with a circular saw. When he was taken to the emergency room, he told doctors not to reattach the hand, saying that it was possessed. The man is now suing the doctors for not reattaching his hand, claiming that the doctors should have known he was psychotic. (alright, now on this one, i don't know, the doctors should have done something anyway regardless, but i don't know about attaching a whole hand back, i mean, yea your ear or finger, but a hand, damn, didn't know they could do that...)

17-year-old Ricky Higgins is suing his high school after he was kicked off the basketball team for driving drunk. He is suing for $100,000 and would like to be reinstated on the team. His lawyers claim that he is an alcoholic, and that his disability is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Erica Bailey, 21, is suing for $1.5 million after the child she was babysitting hit her in the throat. Bailey claimed she could not live a normal life with her new, hoarse voice.

Ed O'Rourke of Florida filed a suit against several bars, asserting that they should not have served him alcohol. He is asking for compensation for injuries he suffered when he climbed an electrical transformer in his drunken state and received a 13,000-volt shock.

A convict in Colorado sued for early release because, he said, "Everyone knows a con only serves about 3 years of a 10-year sentence."

A Pennsylvania woman is suing a pharmacy because she bought a contraceptive jelly from them and got pregnant anyway. She failed to read the directions and ate the jelly on toast. (ah hahaha, i laughed my ass off on that one, damn dumbass, and yea, i said "ah hahaha")

A restaurant in Philadelphia was sued after Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, slipped and broke her coccyx on a beverage that had been spilled on the floor. She was awarded $113,500. Not bad, considering she had thrown the drink at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument. (coccyx- small triangular bone at the base of the spine, and damn, how do these people win or get anything...)

An inmate in Tennessee, Gary Bradford Cone, is suing the state because they have taken away his "right" to possess pornography. (A new state law does not allow it.) Cone is on Death Row.

A man riding his bike home from work at night with no lights, only reflectors, was hit by a Jeep after the driver ran a stop sign. The bicyclist sued the bike manufacturer because he was not warned that reflectors might not be enough to prevent an accident. The man was awarded $6 million. (fuck...and my mom said not to ride my bike at night...that could be my and my children's college education right there...fuck...)

and oh this is the best one

A man is suing a bank that he attempted to rob. After employees of the bank realized he was deaf, they were able to talk during the attempted robbery, which made it easy for them to stall the would-be robber until police arrived. The failed bank robber is suing the bank for discrimination.




and on the topic of law, here are true laws:



Iowa: You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time.

Indiana: No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

Massachusetts: No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

New Jersey: If you are convicted of driving while intoxicated, you are no longer allowed to apply for personalized license plates.

Texas: When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. (say huh? what? i copied it word for word, so either the site had a typo or some texans are just dumbasses...i'm glad i'm from arizona)

Ohio: It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. Unfortunately, this doesn't help the whales much as Ohio is land-locked and the only whales that can be found in the state are in large aquariums.




and, would you like to know where the money's going, check this out: military intelligence budgets

in today's news:

a man in pelican rapids, minnesota found that he could train his dog to fetch him a beer, much like fetching the newspaper or a toy. however, he didn't plan on the dog actually opening a can and drinking it. the dog, at one point, drank so much that it was well over the legal limit. neighbors saw the dog acting strangely, called animal control, when animal control arrived, they called the local police. the police gave a breathalyzer test to the dog and gave the fine to the owner. when writing out the ticket, the two officers decided on what to write it for: m.i.c. (minor in consumption). the dog is 2 years old (2 years = 14 dog years = minor in consumption) the officer's questioned the man on the incident, and upon further investigation found 8 opened cans, the dog using it's teeth to pry open or puncture the cans, each can 3/4 emptied. the man claimed to have not taught the dog how to open the cans...


researchers in england working together with researchers in san francisco have found that asians are 10% more likely to die, asian americans 15% more likely to die, and asians born in america of mixed descent 25% more likely to die than any other race in america...

the sign in is on the right side of the page, once you sign in, there will be three options to choose from in the same box that the sign in prompt was in. one will be orange and will say "stuff" click this to start posting. in the post dialogue box, it works much like an email. to publish and post your post. once you are done, click "post and publish" in the upper right-hand side. that's it. be sure to sign out once you are done. again, the sign in name is "blog guest" and the password is: guest. sign in

alright, so i tried to make it to where people could post to reply to my posts, so i opened an account for anyone and everyone to use to reply to me if they so wish. if this appeals to you, you can sign in as "blog guest" (minus the quotations) and the password is: guest . now since i would like anyone and everyone to be able to do this, i had to make the account anonymous, so, if you partake in this, please leave your name in the post you put up. i reserve the right to delete any posts put up by anyone. i have also made it to where you cannot alter my posts. again, sign in as blog guest, password: guest. sign in

now if you haven't already done so, read the lyrics i posted last night

death by a lack of sleep and the ever-present urge to not want to retain a thing

staring into the screen
it stares back at me
thinking how i got here
mediocrity is over-rated
over-weighted, so i think
but i continue on
next morning i'll get up
see what's up
and continue on


running into each other
into the walls of the halls
of all the same we've come to expect
that which we'll regret when we've passed on
and i'll get up in the morning
and continue on


staring towards the front
boredom's already made it's home
my pseudo-attention is an affront
to the unware drone
but they continue on
and on and on and on


running into each other
into the walls of the halls
of all the same things we've come to expect
that which we'll regret when we've passed on
and i'll get up in the morning
and continue on


death by a lack of sleep
and the ever-present urge
to not want to retain a thing
death's a dream to keep
by your bed-side on the verge
of realising you haven't a thing to keep
death by a lack of sleep
and the ever-present urge
to not want to retain a damn thing
death by a lack of caring
and compassion for the music blaring
swearing and tearing up the dream to keep
realising you haven't gotten sleep
in a week


staring into the screen
incesantly staring back at me
and i'll continue on




yea, got those out in about 15 minutes...

lol vs. hahaha


in today's times, we usually find ourselves pressed for time; so many different things going on. this translates to our conversations daily. several times we find ourselves too lazy, so those little abbreviations (i.e. lol- "laugh out loud") can come in handy in internet conversations, be it through instant messaging or email, or even in text messaging available on some cell phones. but the point of this argument is whether or not these abbreviations are that necessary, and if they're even the truth.


how many times do you find yourself using "lol"? and how is that so much more efficient than using "haha" or "hehe" (despite the questionableness of 'hehe')? lol = 1.08 seconds; haha = 1.03 seconds; hahaha = 1.05 seconds; for the sake of being fair- hehe = 1.03 seconds. as we see here, "lol" isn't more efficient than either "haha" or "hehe" and registered the same score as "hahaha" which is one syllable longer than "haha" or "hehe" and 3 charaters longer than "lol"


how many times a day do you find youself using "lol" when you didn't actually laugh out loud? why put it if you didn't laugh out loud? are you a liar? the fact is, is that many people, regardless of actually laughing out loud use "lol" and surprisingly, 68% still use it, even if they didn't find the comment funny. pathological liars? maybe, but most likely not quite.


the simple point is that in the trend of using abbreviations, people got too caught up in it. they feel like they're accomplishing something with spending the least amount of effort in doing so, when in fact we clearly see "haha" was faster than "lol". because "lol" is only 3 characters, one would likely assume that it was easier and faster. people will also tend to use "lol" even when what was said is found to not be that funny for the simple fact to a) keep the conversation going, b) pity for the person, but don't have the heart to let them know they're not funny, or c) try to conceal the fact that they aren't really paying much attention to the conversation anyway and figure it was a "lol" moment.


as for other abbreviations (lmao, rotfl, and various other obscure ones used in various small circles of freinds) they have all been found to be equally gay and useless. even other abbreviations used for a variety of different expressions (brb, g/g, g2g, and others similar) were found to have little importance other than the fact that everyone else was using them and it was the cool thing to do (i.e.- a fad). it was also found that words missing letters and replaced with other letters and/or numbers ("sk8"- skate, "sk8er"- skater, gurl, boi, kewl, etc) were just as gay and useless as "lmao", "rotfl" except for in the instances were the person(s) using them wanted to draw attention to themself to show everyone else how gay and useless they were. other abbreviations consisting of more than 3 letters were also considered gay, useless, and therefore pointless too. "hstgacm2wtpmfi" (holy shit these gay abbreviations cause me to want to punch my face in)

a vicious cycle: drank some drinks laced with everclear on a thursday, didn't feel like going into work the next morning, fridays generate more work hours and more money, felt fine in the afternoon but was too lazy to go in, got the paycheck from the pay period with that friday in it---not as much as usual, not as much as one would have liked to pay bills and pay back money owed---looks like drinks are in order soon...so the cycle continues...ahhhh, college


i'm currently profiling the sniper(s):


in the news: dr edwin liem, university of louisville, kentucky, found that redheads are more sensitive to pain, need usually about 20% more anesthesia, thus concluding that natural redheads are, in fact, pansies, at least more so by 20%, but that's on the average...


vatican city: the vatican expresses disgust after blowing the lid on a brothel being run out of an apartment on church property in moscow, russia. franciscan friars rented out the aprtment to a private individual who said they would use it for "charitable purposes"...prostitutes were dressed as nuns in a "despicable operation" "bent on damaging the reputation of the catholic community"...


greece: village of vlasti, during local and municipal elections, voters had to choose between two cousins, instead of creating family turmoil, voters opted to split the vote- an equal 477 votes for each, the winner to be decided by the flip of a coin, as stated by greek elections rules...them greeks have it set, just flip a coin...too bad we couldn't have been that decisive with bush and gore...


477x2= 954, that constitues a village? i know texas towns with fewer people...

yea, so i have nothing really to say except that t.a.m.s. students piss me off. in case you don't know who or what they are, here's the run down: texas academy of math and sciences students, they're juniors or seniors in high school, they're your typical geek and nerd and they're here in college taking courses. they have their own little dorm where it's just tams bitches so they can hang out with their kind. most likely these toddlers are rejects, whether socially or with the opposite sex or let's just say they're rejects in general (except for maybe the one or two who are fine) so they come to college, where, get this, they're still rejects. granted, they're probably pretty smart, but they're lacking in common sense and in their age. if i were them, i'd stay in fucking high scholl and kick every one else's ass academically, get shitloads of scholarship money and then be with people my age when i got to college. but that's just me. i honestly don't give a shit if they're smarter than me, that's not why they piss me off, i couldn't care fucking less, it's the fact that they're fucking premature and fucking immature and fucking annoying as fucking fuck fuck hell. yea, i said fucking fuck fuck hell, as of right now it's a valid expression. damn...well, here: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.


australia: sydney: a bio-chemical engineer gets a slight tear in his rubber cover-alls from the corner of a steel box in an experimentation room, realising this, he steps out so as not to become infected with the hazardous materials he and his collegues are working with. he walks past the emergency vaccination box on the wall and goes outside into a thunderstorm to take a shortcut across the yard to get a new cover-all suit. the door closing catches on his suit leg and his movement forward creates a bigger and wider tear on the side of his cover-alls. he bangs on the door for a collegue to set him free due to the fact that the door cannot be opened from the outside. a collegue opens the door and watches as the man walks across the yard and a lightning bolt strikes him on the side of the leg where his rubber cover-all suit has been torn, sending enough electricity through his 35 year old body to kill him. upon examination of the body, the man had some screws and washers from helping a friend put together a bicycle earlier in the day, a pocket knife, and a money clip in the pocket of his pants under his cover-alls, a blatant breaking of rule 4.7b in the handbook: "all workers must empty all possesions from clothing before entering hazardous material areas". also, during the autopsy, the man's pacemaker (placed when he was 32) was blackened and melted to his heart, completely fried. moral(s) 1) don't be a bio-chemical engineer, 2) the company policies are there for a reason, dumbass, and 3) life's a bitch, and she's mad at you

In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, Microsoft Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of Microsoft common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.


With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while Microsoft senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.


"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of Microsoft and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."


Through the Microsoft Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."


A new software application, Microsoft Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.


The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say Microsoft will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."


But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan.


Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.


Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing Microsoft's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home." Gates described Microsoft's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.


The Microsoft move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.


in other news:

the band "pvc pipe" is sueing band "white pvc" for "infringement on our name, man", as stated by pvc pipe's frontman dominic last. "we're serious about this, like really serious. we could making money off this, you know, it was our idea first, and we've got lots more clothes to buy and people to hire to dress us." pipe's legal representation, timothy o'dell of the firm philips, philips, and bass, "these boys are trying to make it in a big sea, a very big sea, and they're trying to make it."


"people will confuse our name with those name-taking wish-they-could-be's and they won't buy our stuff cause they'll think it's them and their bad sucky music," last added in the press conference. "we're gonna get them and teach them and everyone else to take us seriously. we're not joking and we're not gonna back down," last's younger brother derrick said.


white pvc intends to counter-sue pvc pipe for "frivolty, and just plain ludicrousness and ridiciality." "we're not falling for that kind of crap, that's just plain stupid," pvc's frontman/manager/publicist lukas diefendorf said. "really, like anyone is going to confuse our music with theirs, you'd almost have to be just as much of a klassenletzter scheißekopf as pvc pipe is"


pvc pipe is pro-ira "alternative country boy band pop." pvc white is anti-semitic "grunge polka ska punk."

pvc pipe will offer to settle out of court for an undisclosed six figure amount. white pvc plans to contiue with their counter-suit and does not plan to settle out of court. "we're taking them down, nothing less," paul haswell, guitarist for white pvc chipped in.


court dates are set for october 16th.


---what the fuck?---



and in completely un-related, non-associated news:

nicole is hot